This is a long one so I apologize before hand.. I don’t blog often but I felt I needed to with this, personally for me and if it happens to help someone else then I’m happy I was able to share.
2020 started out with hope, passion and excitement. I was focusing on my photography again and business was starting to boom! I was also in all the glory of planning our wedding day for May 16th in our dream home back yard! I found my dream dress, my bachelorette party was being planned by my amazing bridal party, everything was going so well! I was finally going to marry the man of dreams and be able to start working on our family plans!
The world came to an uncertainty so quickly with the spread of the coronavirus. Would my bachelorette party be postponed? What would happen with my business that just started to launch? It can’t possibly last long enough to postpone the wedding….right?
As it came closer to the bachelorette party we started to discuss the reality of canceling it. I was staying positive and trying not to be upset but I mean we had already canceled what was supposed to be our destination wedding, how could this be happening again?
I also have started feeling different physically… I mean I felt great, I had been working out and eating healthy but was just feeling off. So I decided to take a pregnancy test…. That’s right, I said it…. I have never had a normal cycle so it was something I have done often just to make sure. However this time was different, this time instead of the consistent negative it was positive. I was pregnant! Could this be real? NO WAY! We weren’t even trying! This is a miracle! Who cares about the bachelorette party being canceled who cares about anything, We are about to be parents!!! We were so excited!(March 6th) I took another test the next morning to make sure and again two lines!
So now things with the coronavirus are getting real serious and now I need to be even more cautious. As we prepared for quarantine I ordered books, scheduled Dr. appointments and starting dreaming of how we were going to announce it to my family. Colin’s family was down that same weekend and since I wasn’t drinking.. hello… we all cried happy tears and celebrated. We tried to stay grounded as we knew it was early and anything could happen but still it was too exciting. So my sister calls to tell me she had to cancel my bachelorette party which I knew had to happen. She was so upset and while I was too I was also okay with it because again who cares when I’m pregnant nothing else matters! So that night I decided I would tell my family. We were hoping to tell them in person but those plans also got canceled due to the quarantine. So over FaceTime we shared the good news and we all cried and celebrated together!
Fast forward to my first ultra sound on April 2nd, since I don’t have a normal cycle I honestly have no idea how far along we are but I had taken a test in Feb that came back negative so I didn’t think I could be that far along yet. We get to the hospital and they tell me Colin isn’t allowed in. How is that fair? He is the father, he should be there, this is our first pregnancy, our first ultrasound and he doesn’t get to be there with me? Due to the coronavirus no visitors are allowed in. So I put my mask on and sit there waiting by myself while Colin waits in the parking lot. I go in for the ultrasound and the tech is so sweet and says once we get started I can FaceTime him.. So at least there’s that. As she gets started it’s a lot of silence in the room… I ask her whats going on and she is so calm and positive and says well you might just be too early and that we will need to do the vaginal ultra sound so we can see better which again might not give us all the answers as we may be to early. So I go in and get prepared for that, look at myself in the mirror with my mask on, alone, scared and confused. Again she is quiet and I ask her what is going on. She explains to me what she does see and what we should be able to see. She says she will have the report done immediately and will give my Dr. a call so I don’t have to wait on answers. We head over to my Dr.’s office where he tells Colin and I that we are measuring around 8 weeks however the fetus never developed and that I had a “missed miscarriage”. He gives us our options and asks what we would like to do… I broke down, I don’t know what to do, I wasn’t prepared for this. We are supposed to be getting married and announcing to everyone that we are also having a baby and now that isn’t going to happen… We decide to have another ultra sound for the following Monday and the same news. On Tuesday April 7th I went in at 7am for a D&C.. again alone because no visitors allowed in. I am broken, I know Colin is broken and this isn’t how it’s supposed to happen. I call for my pickup and head home around noon. My Dr. tells me light activity for 24 hours and I should be okay. I might experience light spotting and some minor cramps… All is going well Colin and I have to make a decision about if postponing the wedding. So Thursday we make the decision to tell our family and friends the wedding is postponed TBD. Again I’m already numb to feelings at this point so I continue to think positive.
Thursday night, I start to cramp up worse than any menstrual cramps and I start bleeding. Okay I’ve been doing a lot of reading trying to gain as much knowledge about what I’m going through so I know that this is normal and I’m not worried. I take some advil and head to bed. Saturday morning things got more intense so I call my Dr. again, he isn’t worried as he says this happens sometimes and its just some tissue that didn’t come out in the D&C.. I’m thinking okay… why didn’t you tell me this was a possibility? Why didn’t you say if experience heavy bleeding or large clots to call the Dr like all the research I have done shows… Sunday morning (Easter) I’m in so much pain. Nothing I do eases it so I get in the shower and cry and pray and ask it to stop. About 15 mins in the shower and I start passing a lot of clots and eventually pass a very large solid something… I have no idea, I wasn’t prepared for anything like this, what is that… My mind & heart start racing and I go into a full blown panic attack. I head to the hospital and get another ultrasound and am told sometimes the d&c doesn’t get everything and it’s just more tissue and I have some left so they give me some pills to help me pass the rest over the next few days…
I wish miscarriages were talked about more, I wish women could feel it is okay to share your loss. I mean it happens in 1 out of 4 women yet I have never really heard anyone talk about it. I wish the Dr’s mentally prepared me for what was actually going to happen with my body. I wish I had a place to turn, to talk with other women going through the same thing. I eventually found a private group on facebook that helped me through this first week. I mean my family has been there for me every day all day, I cannot thank them enough. Most of my friends that know what I’m going through haven’t gone through it personally so although I know I have them I still felt lost. Am I even allowed to feel like I lost a baby if I never even saw it or heard a heartbeat? These are the thoughts I have and am afraid to share…
I am so thankful for Colin, our families and our friends who have been here for us through this emotional rollercoaster of life. That have cried with us because they are also going through a loss. They were excited with us and now are sad with us and have helped us get through it. Colin has been such a rock for me and I know that one day we will get married and we will have our miracle babe and this journey is making us as a couple so much stronger than we ever imagined.
If you read this whole thing, Thank you. I think I just needed to write it all down for me therapeutically. I also know my goal as a boudoir photographer is to empower women daily and I like to share my journey with the women I meet. If someone reads this and has gone through this or is going through this I want them to know you are not alone. You don’t have to keep it a secret and act like you are okay when we are not. It shouldn’t be taboo to talk about it and I am here for you. I have cried the entire time writing this. I cry at night, I cry in the shower, I cry eating breakfast. I also laugh when something is funny and enjoy the sunshine and I know good things will happen again and I know I will heal in time. We all will.
Remember you are amazing, strong and unapologetically beautiful through every journey this life has.
